If Louis van Gaal wrote a weekly diary I would like to believe it would be something like the one below. I would like to apologise beforehand to all my Irish, Belgian, and London friends, Mrs. Van Gaal and people who speak Flemish.
Dear Diary, My wife was very happy indeed this week because I had a very good time at work. We beat Queens Park Raisins in London. I had to change my system in the second half to 4-4-2. Do not understand why Evans does not comprehend my philosophy after six months, it's not as if he's Irish. Somebody told me that the United fans were shouting Attack, attack, attack! and asking me to change the 3 at the back, but I didn't hear them because of the two Belgian boys behind me talking non stop. I don't know what language they were speaking but it wasn't Flemish or Dutch. That's why I put Fellaini on just to shut them up. Of course my two changes won the match. I was a bit scared when Fellaini scored and he started to run towards my seat. I could not move as Giggs and Valdes had me trapped, thank god he went past me and straight into the arms of Adnan. Something very strange about those Belgians. After the match I did a press interview and was surprised by how big my coffee cup was but not as surprised at the comment the QPR steward made that this would be the biggest thing we would win in the season. Ha ha! Funny man from London. Talking of funny London men went to Harry Redknapp's office after the match, no wine of course only something that he called 'jellied eels and pickled eggs.' He said it was a delicacy of the Eastenders, my wife wouldn't have liked it as she now only watches Coronation Street. Next up is a trip to the south again to play Cambridge University in the FA Cup. I very like the cup matches but I'm getting a little bit bored of Giggsy showing everyone the video of 'that goal' against Arsenal and telling us how romantic the cup was when he and Beckham were in it. Sir Fergie told me to speak to an old player of his who played for both United and the University XI, a man called Dion in Dublin, but I declined as I really do not understand what the Irish say and as Paddy McNair will tell you, they don't understand me! My wife is not happy the match is on Friday night as that is our Italian night out. I will make it up to her on Saturday by taking her to Rio's restaurant in Manchester. No need to book as I have told my players to sleep early that night. Spoke to Ed this week about bringing more Dutch players into the squad to complete my revolution. However he told me to wait for the adidas euros then we can buy Messi and Bale. I explained to him that they were not Dutch and that I wanted Martins Indi and Strootman. He has promised to ask Mr. Adidas if they will change their mind. I also asked him to tell them to design an 'oranje' away shirt for next season. This would make it easier for my fellow Dutchmen to pass to each other. It should be no problem as Ed usually gets what he wants. LvG.
Sort of translated by Miles Dunton. [@milesdunton]